My First time with Ayahuasca
A letter from a participant, first time ayahuasca
Friends,
I wanted to share with you what my experience was like the first time I worked with Ayahuasca. I had reached a point in my life where I knew something needed to change, I was no longer happy; in fact, I was depressed, abusing substances, could no longer cope with my anxiety which was a direct result of living so in-authentically that I no longer knew who I was. When I would look in the mirror, I didn’t understand why the person who I saw looking back at me looked so sad? I had it all (or so I thought) – money, power, a great job, a supportive family, a good network of friends… so what was missing?
Through the stress and pressure that I had created for myself and the lack of substance or authenticity, my doctor let me know that if I continued going the way that I had been, that I would develop a serious illness or at the very least, a heart attack. Something needed to change. So, I quit my job with no back up plan, and in that moment of surrender, I heard about Ayahuasca. From the first few minutes that I heard about Ayahuasca, I knew that this was exactly what the doctor ordered and within a month was on a plane headed for Peru.
Let me continue by saying that I was not the kind of person you would expect to find packing their bags and heading for the jungle. I was more so the all-inclusive, Caribbean vacation kind of traveler. From the moment I met my fellow “pasajeros” however, something felt different. Although these people were strangers, there was such a sense of familiarity, understanding and comfort that was immediately present. In our first ceremony this became all the more apparent.
I spent a month in the jungle the first time I went to Peru and completed 8 Ayahuasca ceremonies. The best way I can describe the ceremonies was that it brought me face to face with my SELF, but from a more kind/dissociated/compassionate perspective. Although not all of the visions that I had were pleasant, I understood that what I was being shown and what I was going through, I had to go through. I trusted the medicine. Fully. I said to myself “If I die in the jungle, so be it. I simply do not want to go on living the way I have been”. I think that was the difference that made the difference. I really had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Not only did I gain clarity and compassion for myself, but also for others in my life; for my past mistakes, for my past trauma that I experienced, love for those who wronged me and clarity in terms of how to move forward in life (in fact the business I now run is due in part to my 4th Ayahuasca ceremony). Most importantly however, I found my connection to that which I choose to call “God”. I was never a deeply spiritual or religious person; growing up my parents forced me to go to church and I obeyed, but as I grew older, I never felt fully accepted or understanding of “God” and why he/she worked in the way they did. That being said, presently, my relationship with God is the most significant and important relationship I have in my life and will ever have. And this is all because of Ayahuasca.
Coming home, I assumed I was “fixed” and couldn’t understand why things were so hard? Didn’t I do enough? Wasn’t this the magical cure that everyone described? In part, yes – it was truly incredible and was like completing decades of therapy in 1 month. But, what I didn’t embrace was the importance of a powerful integration plan. Working with coaches upon my return, falling, stumbling and then getting back up, I finally found my way through the integration and continue to do so (it’s an ongoing experience which I’m most grateful for).
All this to say, life is completely different now. I’m so much more aware, I’m more empowered to follow my gut, I love myself and am learning how to live with myself more and more each day. I have faith in a power greater than me and I’m slowly making my dreams come true one day at a time. Life is worth living now because it is driven by passion. Although I no longer have that money, power, or fancy car or condo, I have something that’s much more powerful… LOVE.
I hope you enjoyed a snapshot into my journey and I wish you all the best in yours my friend!
-VR